Surrendering To What Is…


Dear Beloveds

Today, and for the past few days I have been in solitary retreat on what I will call a healing crisis.

At first this was not by choice…this is often the way when life becomes too busy.   My body had been calling me home for a week or two but I had ignored it.  I had continued in my normal life, with some regular ongoing meditations but with extra demands.  Sometimes I find it hard to say no!  Particularly when part of my life is based on service through therapy, healing and supervision.  So after a most beautiful evening of sacred experience at my ecstatic dance group, which took me to a deep light-filled place of union and open heart, I became  mildly ill with a sore throat and fever.   During the dance I had felt on fire, soft and sparky,  healing and being healed, touching and connecting heart to heart with every being there.  Together we felt harmonized, enriched, rainbowed with our souls purpose pouring out of us. It had been a special night for all of us, and for me it was almost an initiation into my body and soul and heart becoming aligned. This triggered something…

When I woke up in the morning, my world had changed, and I needed to be still.  I resisted for one day, and then I surrendered. I needed to balance the movements, the dancing, the life of service, with some time of ‘being’.

Yes I surrendered, cancelled the whole week, withdrew into myself and have allowed my body to show me the path, all week, to where I need to go, to truly live my life of flow and purpose. I surrendered to this need to  just be, remaining ill but able to go within, to hold the seeds of my being which are the very depth of my true self, showing me how to live and honour my loving self now.

Today, four days on,  during which I have moved through various stages of  inwardness, realisations, letting go of feelings, writings, creating, being, much crying, some laughing, much stillness, little moving…. I experienced a glorious meditation journey.  I entered my inner landscape…during which I was in a waterfall facing the final stage of the deepest grief I hold. I moved beyond a cascading shower of cold bright water  into a crack in a cliff-side .  I allowed my grief to pour through me till I was ready to move beyond it into pure glory and light.  I found the pathway into the earth through that crack in the stone, and this magical journey led me to many realisations and jewels of the heart.

I  surrendered to this experience, allowing myself to feel in my heart, mind, body and soul, aligned to the lessons my body was telling me.  My meditation was felt in all parts of my being, my emotions, my physical self, my spiritual self, my psychological self.  I surrendered to my needs. I had no plan, no outcome, just a need to experience.


Had I not surrendered, I would not have finally reached the place of light in my meditation which is almost indescribable in its magnificence.  An  ancient temple imbued with life, love, longing, truth, golden heart-bathed sacredness.  I was cleansed and cleared from this time of surrender.  I gave myself the space to follow my body’s knowing to a point where I am ready again to emerge.  I will integrate my lessons, realisations, reflections and more into my everyday life as I go once again about my life’s business.  And I will continue to acknowledge my body’s messages to me when I need them.

By surrendering to our body’s wisdom, we learn how it can lead us, show us how to live, reveal what is important in our lives, enable emotions and thoughts to be released or harmonized, gifts are revealed, we honour the rhythms of our own body, of the earth’s cycles and we balance our need for both ‘doing’ and ‘being’.  From surrender to being comes creative life cycles, new visions, new growth needing to be followed up.  Our normal everyday life is forever focused on ‘doing,  working, playing, eating, sleeping’…. so the being part can become lost. Our body  knows this and,  if we listen, it can become our guide, leading us to a sense of harmony and understanding which places both aspects in their rightful place.

I recommend surrendering at least twenty minutes every day!  Find a peaceful place where you will not be disturbed, enter quietly within, relax and tune into your body, allow it to tell you whatever you need to know.  Have no agenda, no need for an outcome, simply  check out what you need to surrender to, breathing into yourself, feeling, recharging, perhaps visioning if that is your way, allowing any emotions, sensations…and just be!  You may be surprised what your body reveals to you!






Relating to the Masculine Within and Without


The true masculine is awakening, the true divine masculine which has been lost and forgotten, hidden behind aggression, fear, abuse, armour, lack of feelings, lack of respect, control and more.  Men are waking up to their true being as a mirror of the divine masculine power, gentle yet focused, nurturing and strong, embracing and supportive while also holding to material well being. The true masculine is perceptive, open hearted and wise, while knowing there are lessons to be learnt of using power gracefully and humbly.  Women are placing their inner divine masculine into a more rightful place in their hearts, moving beyond the fear of past abuses.

It is now time for us to place the masculine in its rightful place in our lives both within ourselves and in our being.

For many years I have been learning about the masculine side of life, both within myself and without.  This began in my family, continued after a separation of my past partner twenty years ago and has culminated in my current life’s enquiry of the Beloved.  We are all learning to balance our family’s messages with our own newly emerging wholeness,   whether as male or female.

My family message as a female was simple – do not trust men, they are like children, to be undermined; do not allow them power, mentally ‘castrate’ them, and remain cautious, as they will abuse and use you if you let them in. Retreat from anger, and do not engage with your own anger, as it is dangerous. Face them with fear…….. A powerful negative message indeed.

Growing up, I felt more like a man inside than a woman, despite having a beautiful woman’s body,and a gentle loving nature.  I wanted to be successful, I wanted ambition, I explored sexuality and avoided true intimacy.  I was not very integrated. My inner masculine was wounded and influenced by by family patterns, by some experiences which mirrored this and by my past life memories held in the ancestral vortex all women hold.

This all changed when I finally had a child, something I had always wanted. She was my gift to finally accept wholeness.

From this time on I explored how I could develop my whole new loving self to include my inner masculine and have this reflected in a healthy relationship  to the outer masculine in my life.  My female self blossomed as my inner masculine healed, my mothering, feminine, powerful priestess and healer self finally given rightful place in my life. However, I was still surrounded mainly by women, my clients were women, my close friends all women for many years.

Finally, after a partnership lasting a few years, which held a mirror up to both my growth and lessons for my own  inner masculine, I divorced myself from this history. I began to heal my inner masculine totally.  I went through a divorce ceremony within to let go of these ancestral patterns.  I recognised the last of the sabotaging patterns which had affected this partnership and worked hard to love all of myself.  My inner masculine became more and more whole and strong, as I spent many years, enquiring, healing, deepening and balancing.

I knew I was ready to emerge  as an awakened woman when I found more men than women were turning to me for my healings and therapies.  I was ready to accept my inner masculine as a beautiful, grounded, loving focusing influence on my life and this was reflected in my availability to support outer men in this work.

At this time I moved home, I changed life situation, I met my current beloved partner and I opened to new possibilities.

Letting go of my need to live in the more masculine world of working for others, of needing an outer ‘identity’ as service co-ordinator’ or similar, I fully embraced my true healer/seer/teacher/ priestess self. My inner masculine no longer had control of me.  I had given him a new voice within, one which gave him honour for his values  of focus, earthiness including material wealth, shiva consciousness in my spiritual and sexual life, and support.  I acknowledged within his vital part in my life and I celebrated .

Now I am able to embrace a whole loving masculine  within and without.  Now many men come to me as well as women, for healing, support, and teachings and I am honoured to be available for this.  Now I am flowing in my female priestess self while knowing my inner beloved divine masculine has his powerful, whole loving and grounded self within me, supporting and guiding. Now I am integrated.

I am amazed at what I missed all those years ago – the masculine as beautiful, strong, powerful yet sensitive, guiding yet respectful,  sexually alive and honouring of the goddess and god within us all.  My family was never able to appreciate this truth.

The true masculine is awakening, the true divine masculine which has been lost and forgotten, hidden behind aggression, fear, abuse, armour, lack of feelings, lack of respect, control and more.  All these I have faced,  all these are dissolving now, as we place the masculine in its rightful place in our lives.

If you are drawn to come on this journey with me, whether you are facing your inner divine masculine or your outer divine masculine, contact me.  I support your willingness to enable a full recognition of the opening to the beloved, by discovering how your inner and outer masculine self can reach awakening and wholeness.  Together we can create ceremonies to release the past patterns, to face any ancestral bones of the history we carry and move through to a glorious sense of aliveness.  We are all ready.