When I was younger, I used to be an observer of life. I would watch life go by, watch others seemingly living their lives to the full, following their passion or their path, and I wondered what that was like. I did not seem to have the capacity to be in my life so much as let it live me. I did not feel alive, juicy or in joy. I had no concept for this.
I remember sitting in a cafe when a late teenager, watching the drips on the cafe window, writing poetry about those drips and wondering if I felt like one of those drips, falling down the glass pane, just stopping whenever and wherever they felt like it, but not really going anywhere. I waxed lyrical with pen and paper, but I was simply watching, waiting and not truly living. Not yet. I was a drip dripping down into life with no sense of purpose, knowledge or joy.
I had no concept then, of what it was like to fully embody my true self. I tried, and I watched, taking my signals from others. I observed how people dressed who I admired, how they spoke and if I wanted to be like that. I wanted to be someone who could tell stories of her life, yet I had not lived my life. Yet. I had not become aware of my own signals, my own inner knowing which would show me where I could go in life, my own choices. So I watched, learned, hoped that one day I would feel different, perhaps even enjoy my life, and waited. And all my signals came from others, just as I had learned at school, and at home, not from within.
That day took awhile in coming. The day when I realised I could no longer be just a passenger in life. The day when I woke up, recognising that I am a beautiful and loving being who just has to go out and be herself. The day when I realised I had my own knowledge within me and my own art, writing, beauty to share, just as you all do in your own way. The day I realised my body is beautiful.
It took a long time to reach this point fully. There were a few steps along the way. Like the time when I had a realisation that I was beginning to be that person who could tell stories. Or the day when I found joy in simply dancing. Or the day I recognised that my family were not the best people to spend time with. Or the day that I felt I had to let my partner go, because he was slowly killing me inside. The day I gave birth was a life changer, the day I discovered the true beauty of the sunset was magical, and the day I learnt to face my fear of heights and stand on a rooftop. That was incredible.
Finally, finally I have reached the point, where I am no longer an observer or a passenger in life. It is a great place to be. It is a place of choice, of joy, of life, of love and of enjoying as many moments as possible. I still fall into the trap sometimes of working too hard and forgetting to play, of listening more than talking, of letting someone else go first in a group so I don’t have to show my own self. I still become the carer and the observer occasionally, as changing patterns from a lifetime takes practice. But I hardly do it now. Because I have finally learnt, that I know. I KNOW who I am, how I feel, what I know, well more or less! and that I can be as stupid or as clever, as wise or as foolish as I want to be and it does not matter. That I can tune into my body and my being at any point, and feel what is the best thing for me at any time. I can breathe into myself, into my emotions, into my thoughts, and I can say ‘ Anna how are you feeling today, what do you need to get the best possible experience in life.?’ and I can answer myself. I can ask myself, ‘how do I act when I truly love myself?’ then act on this. No one needs to tell me what to do, where to go, how to feel, how to dress, how to act, what to do in life. No one need tell you that either.
We learn all our lives that it is others who are our teachers. It is time to know, that we are our own teachers, and each of us has a store of knowledge, our inner knowledge, our inner body sense, our inner tuition, our heart based knowing, our felt sense of what is right and wrong for us, and this is the treasure deep within us waiting to be found. It is in all of us. We are all wise to ourselves. But it takes some practice to discover it, because over and over again we are taught that knowledge comes from books, from others, from family, friends, teachers, those we meet, things elsewhere, outside of us.
Life is for living and we can no longer be observers to our own lives. We can live our lives best when we know ourselves more. When we trust our knowing. When we have the tools to tune into ourselves at any moment and just ask ‘ What do I know now. How can this help me to live fully and enjoy my life now?’ How can I best serve myself and love myself? And by answering these honestly, you will begin to reach that road to fully juicy living which leads to joy, satisfaction, and harmony within and without.
My work of Opening to the Beloved is dedicated to living life to the full. It is the way of sacred heart, in which we can learn to love ourselves as much as others, to become the person we are meant to be in life, the one living, not the observer. We can learn to find our own inner knowing, our own heart compass, and our own deep satisfaction in life, knowing we love ourselves enough to give our body and our being all we need to sustain not just a good life, but a great and brilliant life.
I hope you may all feel this just a little bit, and share in the joy that life can give when we discover we do actually have a lot of the answers inside us!
Keep watching the website for more exercises and gifts to help you find your own inner knowing and self love. They may just change your life, just as they changed mine.
Namaste Anna xx